December 2012

December was a very busy month.  Amazingly, I was able to get everything done that I wanted even though it seemed like I'd be short on time.  I had a tubal ligation and they checked for uterine cancer on the 10th.  I was out of work for a week; I did a little shopping but a lot of lying on the couch and relaxing.  I got tired very quickly.  We made fatigmon.  I'm glad that although Jason doesn't like to eat the cookies, he enjoys making them.  My grandmother Alma Papamarcos taught my mom (her dil) to make them, my mom taught me and I'm teaching my kids.  They're time intensive but so worth it.

Jason frying the fatigmon

                                                     Jess cutting the dough.

Friends invited Jess and me to the fairy Christmas at the Hedge House, a historic house in Plymouth.  It was a lot of fun and great to see friends we don't get to see very often.  Jess went to kindergarten with Corin in Carver.

 After decorating the tree, Mike posed with Jack.  This is a rare photo opportunity as Mike pretends he doesn't like the cats.

 While I was on  leave for the week, I found that I'd lost the Christmas cards I'd ordered.  I needed to make a new one and decided to include the cats so I had a cat photoshoot.  Any catlover can imagine how that went!  Jack and JJ were very understanding of my limitations and didn't run away since I couldn't have chased them.  They let me put ribbons on them and pose them in different areas.

                                                     Here's one of many shots I didn't use.

Here's the shot we went with.

 Jess was an angel in the pageant.  There originally weren't any angels in the story they were doing (it was about the animals in the manger) but Jess and another little girl wanted to be angels and hadn't gotten to be them last year

Jess and Nana Pat at the Radisson.  We took her to see the pageant and then went to brunch at the Radisson.  Every year they put this sleigh up in the lobby area.

                                             Usually we stay at the Hyatt on Christmas night after visiting Mike's parents.  Mike had to work this year so we decided to go away the weekend before to the Cape Codder instead.  Jess sat on Santa's lap.  He said she looked like a peppermint stick and called her Pepper.

                                     Roasting marshmallows at the Cape Codder.

                                              Wave pool time

Visting the Elms in Newport.  My mom used to take me to Newport all the time.  I love being able to share that experience with Jess.

 We went to Jordan's Furniture to see the Polar Express 4D, the Christmas carol lite show, and the enchanted village.  I went to the enchanted village as a child at Jordan Marsh with my mom.

                                                     Christmas Eve at church

                                                         New Christmas nightgown

                  Since Mike had to work Christmas, we opened the family presents Christmas Eve.

                                                   Jason's favorite snack

                                         Elfie left reindeer food for Jess to sprinkle on the lawn.

                                         Cookies and milk for Santa

                                             Kitties get presents too.

                                           Stockings galore!  Jason said the stocking is his favorite part.

                                               Jason and his IPod

                                              Jess and her hairstyling head.  She wants to learn how to frenchbraid.

Jess was very sad to see Elfie go but he left her an ornament to remember him by until next year.

                                                   Merida's shoes from Brave

  On the way home from Ruth & Chuck's the kids and I detoured through Millis to see the Winter Wonderland.  Their entire farm is set up with lights and Christmas scenes - very cool!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!!

7 years ago

7 years ago today, my daughter entered the Jinan SWI.  She was in cardiac failure and was brought to the army hospital for surgery.  I think about her birth parents on this day.  Do they wonder where she is?  Do they think she's still alive?  Dr Miller from Tufts Medical Center read over Jess's chart when she first came home and said our little girl had been very, very sick.  Is that why her parents couldn't take care of her?  Our guide had told us that most families don't have insurance and the cost of surgery is prohibitive.  I know that I couldn't afford open heart surgery without the benefit of insurance.  When we were going into adoption, we wanted nothing to do with open adoption.  Now, I would love the chance to tell Jessica's birthparents what an awesome, loving, smart, fun child we have.  I can't help but wonder whether they are thinking of her on this day as well.

An excerpt from a Mothers Day poem by Jennifer Wilson-Pines.   

I am a mother
every second of the day.
My daughter is stitched 
into every fiber of my life.
I love her with an intensity 
that took me by surprise.
Surpassed only by the fear
of losing her.

But she has another mother,
The woman in the mirror,
The shadow, who comes
and goes through invisible doors.

You first felt her stir, roll 
and kick inside you.
The contraction that announced
her impending arrival,
heard the first cry, touched 
the downy fuzz on her head,

And left her.

And I grapple with this,
As she will sooner than I wish.

Can I say I would never do the same?
No
Judge not?..

Perhaps it was the desperation 
of a mother
who throws her children 
from a burning building.
Hoping and praying 
that someone will catch them.
That they will be safe.
Perhaps, perhaps,
I will never know.

Do you miss her,
wonder at what might have been,
where is she now?

Our daughter is dancing, far away,
dressed in a Cinderella blue gown.
Serving tea to a stuffed turtle,
singing songs of her own invention.
You will never hear her voice.
She will never see your face.

She is neither you or me.
She is the third way,
already crafting her own story.
You gave her life,
I give her a future.

My heart hurts

My heart hurts

I'm not a crier.  I don't like to cry and I don't do it often.  But I feel like I've cried more in the past couple of weeks than I have since my mom went into the nursing home.  Nine days ago a 14 year old boy was killed in our town.  Sitting in Michaels parking lot while Jess listened to the end of a song, I was looking at facebook on my phone.  A local friend commented that there were helicopters flying over her neighborhood.  When I got home, I asked Jason if he'd heard anything and he said no.  A few minutes later, he was on facebook and told me a boy had been killed in a hit and run while he was on his dirtbike.  Dirtbikes are a common sight around here.  Kids ride the powerlines and scare the heck out of me cutting across the street from one side of the powerline to the other.  I thought the child had been killed by a car while on his dirtbike but that wasn't how it happened.  He was out with his little brother and his dad dirtbiking on the powerlines when he went around a corner and a man hit him head on while riding his own dirtbike.  The man said he'd go for help (I'm guessing they don't carry cellphones when they're riding so they don't get broken because apparently no one had one).  The man never came back.  That's who the helicopters were looking for.  He was found hours later at a hospital seeking help for his minor wounds.  That's what I don't understand.  Why didn't he send help?  Would the child be alive if he had?  I don't know.  That's just it.... no one can know because this 40 year old man who hit a 14 year old boy head on and said he'd get help, didn't.  They held a memorial ride for the boy a week later and I said to Jason that I don't think if I was that mom I could let my younger child ride a dirtbike again.  Jason said that the kid loves it so of course he's still riding.  Jason can't understand of course; he's a kid.  He doesn't know what its like to look at the picture of a young teen and then at your own young teen the same age and think "What if it were him?  What if it were my baby?"

Then, the following Friday, a crazed gunman went into Sandy Hook Elementary and killed children, teachers, and a principal.  So then, I'm looking at my little 7 year old and thinking "Oh God, what if something happened to her?"

These two events hit me hard.  My cousin blogged about how things hit you differently once you have children and that's exactly it.  Before having children, horrific events or tragedies would make me sad of course but it wasn't the same.  Once you have children, you put yourself in the parents' place and realize it could be your child.  I see a facebook post about James and I picture Jason in his place and I can't breathe.  I hear a news story about the children of Sandy Hook and the thought of life without Jessica stops my heart.  I was home the Monday after the Sandy Hook tragedy and I put Jess on the bus in the morning.  As she stepped on, I had the desire to stop her and say "You know what? You're going to stay home with Mommy today."  Jason doesn't dirtbike like James did but he does participate in dangerous sports - he loves to wrestle and is on the high school team; he just got certified in scuba diving this fall and he and his friends have airsoft wars.  All potentially dangerous activities.  But, as much as packing up and moving my family to a remote island somewhere where nothing bad ever happens, I know that's not reality and I have to let them live their lives.  I know some people think I'm overdoing it by making sure either Mike or I are at every one of Jason's wrestling meets.  After all, the bus takes him there and back; he can't ride with us and they tend to be long, boring and, if they're on a weekday, late.   But, God forbid that something happen to my boy, I want one of his parents to be there with him.  I don't want him hurt and alone.  Is that really so unreasonable?

I saw this video about Sandy Hook and while it made me cry, I thought it was beautiful.  It's from the show, The Voice.  I saw it on the last online post I opened about Sandy Hook.