Saturday, March 30, 2013

How do I tell her?

Today my sister and I made a decision that was the right one but still one that hurt so badly.  My mom has not been healthy in a long, long time.  She's had her good days and her bad days and then it went to having good moments and bad moments.  She went in for kidney stone surgery yesterday.  Surgery lasted longer than they thought.  There was more damage inside than they thought there'd be.  She had a build up of CO2 so they put in a breathing tube expecting to take it out today.  Today came.  She was worse.  Nonresponsive, unable to breathe on her own.  My sister walked into the hospital room today with my mom hooked up to all types of machines.  Hospital said all a DNR meant was that they wouldn't use the paddles to bring her back and that if we didn't want her kept alive by machine we had to request she only get comfort care. My mom had made it clear all of her life she did not want to be kept alive by machine ever.  Patricia called me and Mike and I left for the hospital. I'd been sick so I hadn't been around here yet but I was coming now.  Jason was home in case Jess came home from the friend's she was at plus I did not want this to be his last memory of his grandmother.  I called Pastor and he said he'd meeet us there.  We got there, Pastor got there, we prayed, and then we went to the waiting room while they removed the machines.  We went back to the room and stayed with her while she breathed her last.  That was incredibly hard watching life slip from her.  I know she's in a better place now; she's with all of our loved ones who went on before - my father, her parents, her in-laws, her sister. She's free of pain and whole of mind.  The pain belongs to those of us still on earth.  Jess still isn't home.  How am I going to tell my baby girl that her beloved Nana is gone?