Sunday, May 09, 2010

Mother's Day

It was a great weekend although it is also bittersweet. Yesterday our church had a Mother's Day tea. Patricia, Michelle, Jason, Jess, my mother and I all went. They had a wonderful spread and my mom was happy to see people from church again. Because she's half an hour away, I'm not able to get her to the church as often as I'd like. The tea was at 2. We stayed about an hour which was good timing. My mom has more difficulty later in the day so we didn't want to stay too late. She wasn't as upset as usual when I brought her back to the nursing home since I was able to tell her (truthfully) that we would be seeing her on Sunday for church and tea at her favorite tea room. Nicky flew in from CA on Thursday night, getting to Tricia's on Saturday. He spent the day with her and Saturday with his friend and then came to our house Saturday night. We didn't tell my mom because I wanted her to be surprised but I was also afraid that if we told her he was coming, she would think it was immediately and would be upset when she didn't see him until Sunday. I'm learning to only give information as needed.

Michelle and Jess at the church tea on Saturday

We went to church on Sunday. Jess got up with the children's choir today. All kids are in the children's choir in our church but Jess has always refused to get up front with them. She kept looking at me but she stayed up there. After the kids were done singing, one of the little girls went down to the nursery and Jess asked to go with her. I've tried off and on to get Jess to go to the nursery without crying for the past couple of years (I won't leave her crying as I want church to be a happy place, not a place that makes her cry and she is good when she's upstairs with me; it's just that I can focus on the sermon and lessons better on my own). She went downstairs until communion when I went to get her so she could go up for the blessing. My baby's growing up!!!! After church, we went to my house to wait for my in-laws and my mom got to see that Nicky was there. She was very happy to see him. Once my in-laws got there, we went to All Things Tea which is my mom's favorite place to eat. She later told me that she doesn't really like going anywhere else to eat but there which is good because I'd already made the decision to only take her there. It's familiar, small and not as overwhelming to her as a regular restaurant. I need to keep her world small and familiar.

Nicky was looking forward to having a cornish pasty (rhymes with nasty, not tasty although they are delicious). The tea room had a set menu since it was Mothers Day but the owners are awesome and made him some pasties (they're on the regular menu). One of the owners asked if Jess the full tea or something else. Jess, being the gourmet that she is, had the regular tea. The asparagus wrapped in dough was her favorite.

Jess, myself, Nicky, my mom, my mother in law, my sister in law
The tea tray

My mom and my kids

Nicky came with me when it was time to bring my mom back to the nursing home which I appreciated. That is always the hardest part for me. She doesn't remember that she lives there and is always asking when she's going home. The activities director was there so I got to talk to her for a couple of minutes. I don't get to go during the week when the regular staff is there (that'll change once school's out) but when I see them in on the odd weekend, I make an effort to stop and talk so that they'll know who I am. The activities director said she thought the tea room would make a good outing and will take my mom on that one since her turn's coming up to go out.

The bittersweet part of Mothers Day - my mom is very rapidly getting worse. A year ago, she was able to live on her own. Now she has a very loose hold on reality. Jessica is so close to her. I worry about how Jess is going to be affected when my mother passes away. Jess has had loss in her life - she lost her birthparents, she lost her country, at some point she is going to lose the grandmother she loves so much and that makes me sad. I miss my mom. While I obviously love her and don't want her to pass away, I miss the person she was before this horrible disease ravaged her memory. I find myself buying things that are nostalgic. For example, I bought sugar wafer cookies. Mike says they're like cardboard. I had never bought those for myself before. But, they were a staple in our house growing up. I bought brown bread in a can. The nostalgia for that passed by the time I got home so it is still sitting in the can but I can't bring myself to throw it away.

Today is also a day I think of Jess's birthmother. While I will never know the exact reasons why her birthparents were unable to raise her, given what I do know I have my thoughts about it. I won't share those thoughts because it is Jess's story not mine to share or not sure. I wish there was a way to let her mother know how loved her little girl is and how I cannot imagine our family without her.

A Poem for her Birthmother by Shana
I imagine you kissed
her sweet face so round
And gently placed her
where she wuold be found

I imagine your heartache
your pain and your tears
I wish I could show you
and soften your fears

I'd show you a girl
with hope in her eyes
A girl who loves stories
and sweet lullabies.

A girl who laughs freely
and loves to play
A girl who sings sweetly
and dances all day

A girl with a future
so sunny and smart
A girl who loves music
and reading and art

A girl who I hope
has your courage one day
I know it took courage
to love and walk away

Her beautiful smile
I wish you could see
She looks like you
and laughs like me

So imagine her laughter
imagine her touch
I wish I oculd show you
she's loved so much

Remember her face
Rememberthat kiss
And when you cry
remember this

Beyond your tears
Beyond your pain
Sometimes the sun
shines through the rain

And I know that she'll ask me
about yuo one day
I'll tell her you loved her
and wishes she could stay

I'll help her remember
and imagine you, too
when she starts to wonder
and dream about you

We'll look at the moon
I'll give you a kiss
and when she cries,
I'll tell her this

Beyond your tears
Beyond your pain
Sometimes the sun
shines through the rain

No comments: